I erased all my previous posts and start again. I saw Cathy’s video today on “my process within the equality equation” and I realised that I only have seen glimpses of self-honesty in the last months. Fundamentally, I don’t grasp what it is to be in the absence of emotions, feelings and thoughts.
After I watched http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFL3MqrZNz8&feature=related, I came clean to start from the beginning again and investigate this question posed by the self-honesty system demon.
Since I started to get deep into my thesis writing up process, I mean writing from the moment I wake until I go to sleep at midnight, I have drifted into mind spaces and further away from this process of becoming self-honest. I also realised that I find it very difficult to ‘juggle’ both, this thesis writing up process and my process of self-honesty. I know it is an excuse. I can dedicate some time to writing on this page.
Self-honesty, how I can I explain what it is to me. In self-honesty I am standing in a place that where I have no feeling, no emotion, in full awareness and I ‘see’ the lies of my mind. I have a distance to what the mind is doing, I am not taking part in it. In these moments I ‘understand’ something about myself, about how I operate when I’m merged with my mind. In moments of clarity, when self-honest, the chatter and judgments are removed from me and I can see them for what they are. I say moments because I only experienced this sense of standing divorced what the mind is telling me a few times – or so it seems.
In August when I started to get more involved in this process and with the forum, when I started to make videos, I know that a few times I was able to be self-honest. I recall when I stood in self-honesty I could hear myself breathing. Since I have gone underground, submerged myself and dealing with making my insane deadline, I am no longer in the same place. The mind is so deceptive. Often I’m afraid of my delusions. I recall in August, some of my physical symptoms had disappeared, my body was much more relaxed than it is now. These physical successes came out of self-forgiveness practice. I know because I have been dealing with these problems for many years.
Why is that I try to tell myself that thesis work and self-honesty can’t work together? Why is it that won’t even try harder? It is because I am used to being deceptive and although I have had a glimpse on what can be done about becoming self-honest, my mind is fighting me and I have given in. I have not willed myself.
So somewhere I have defined self-honesty as interference. As something that cannot be integrated into what I’m currently doing because I’m going through a special period of my life, I’m under immense pressure, I don’t have the capacity, blah blah. I have just spend 12 min. typing, proving to myself that I can write 500 words in 12 min. related to this process of becoming self-honest. Soon I shall have written 1000 words, in less than half an hour of my day! There is no excuse that could possibly stand up to this. Fact is that I have defined self-honesty as something that is like a dangling carrot, that I’ll get to eventually, when I have done all these other things.
In the last week, I realised that this process of becoming self-honest needs to have the starting point of realising that one is standing alone, al-one of course. But what I mean by that is that no one’s else matters to the process itself. One can receive support from others but this is where it stops, everything else is a mind-fuck. And it could be the biggest one of it all.
Here is where standing as one and equal comes in! In other words, this process of becoming self-honest can only take place if one is standing as one and equal at the same time. This is the only way because otherwise deception will enter the process and one won’t even notice. So: self-honesty is based on standing as equal to all, as the premise of operation. From there one can ‘see’ the mind (feelfings and emotions) operate and practice self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to find excuses that will keep me from actively grasping self-honesty.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see self-honesty as something outside of my current situation and that cannot be integrated.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be fearful of the fact that this process of becoming self-honest has to be faced alone.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of whether I was able to be self-honest or not.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to let my mind manipulate me in standing as unequal to self-honesty.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid that the practice of self-forgiveness could affect my thesis-writing-up process negatively.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be delusional about what matters above all.