Yesterday, I was too tired to write online, generally when I get to that stage I write in my booklets while in horizontal position in my bed. Therefore, I will re-write what I wrote last night.
This category reflects self-forgiveness and the rendition of points that pertain to my bodily experiences.
For several years now I have had this tiny lump, maybe 3 millimetres in diametre, on my forearm. During the summer it has not been visible because my skin gets quite dark. A little bump that I could feel with some pain, possibly unnoticeable for someone else. Perhaps three months back I opened it up, because I was convinced “something” was trapped inside. After that it healed but since then the skin has always been slightly inflamed although without broken skin.
Last week I opened it up again, using hydrogen peroxide etc. and now it has become a lesion that looks scary to my eyes. On Monday I took an hour out of my schedule and went to see my GP, she is located just around the corner. I took books with me and continued working while waiting. Her response was that this lesion needs to be looked at by another doctor and requires biopsy depending on the diagnosis.
At this stage I was already cooled down. I no longer think it is something as vicious as cancer, although I maybe wrong. Regardless, what I would like to address with this point is my initial emotional reaction.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be in fear about the incomprehensible changes/illnesses/sicknesses of my body.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of losing my abilities to move around in the world, as an independent entity, that is fully functional and can take care of herself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of losing my looks, which have been instrumental in my life as tool to manipulate others into getting what I want.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to distrust my body’s ability and capacity as life, to heal and to support me on my path to becoming self, to stand as one and equal to all there is.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to immediately consider the worst case scenario regarding my body’s changes/illnesses/sicknesses.
The last entry on this issue was on October 14th. Today, the 6th of November, I am still dealing with this lesion, I have managed to reduce its size with a pharmaceutical creme and have, for the moment, escaped surgery. I have been standing as equal and one to it, I no longer am afraid of what it represents. On the other hand, it is clearly getting smaller and not going away quickly, which may cause my doctor to insist on minor surgery the next time I see him. There are still issues coming up with that though, mostly having to do with me not trusting him, therefore not trusting myself. Also, there is more to learn here before cutting it out. My intention is to get to the bottom of this, as it is just a symptom for something else, and by doing so letting the body work it out without human surgical interference. I still have 12 days until the next doc appointment.