The next point that came up last night was a sense of real deep happiness and appreciation of my work. I love my work, I was writing, researching, and writing more about the changing aesthetics in contemporary society. It was putting me in a content place with a cuddly feeling inside – that I could sit behind my desk and think and write and be in my own little world provided by my mind while conjuring up all kinds of positive emotions.
So what’s the point here? Simply put since I was a child nothing has changed in this respect. As a child I was in my “own” world, although I did not get rewarded for being in it as I do today with degrees and recognition (unfortunately not money :). It was a safe place for me then as it is today. I don’t have to interact with others, I don’t have to deal with conflict, or friction, or disagreement, or opinions, or manipulations, in short I don’t have to deal with this insanity that we call world. I will avoid being stirred up, I am the peaceful kind. Yes, these are the excuse that have sheltered me from getting to involved with others. This way I have myself to deal with and that suits me well. I can then burying my head in books, in art making, in knowledge and in ideas.
Today I know better, this mechanism has prevented me from pursuing who I really am. It has prevented me from showing my face to the world including my views and ideas. The videos I make now are incredible taxing and few people would have an idea what I go through to put myself on the line like that. What is it, this thing in me that makes it so difficult for me to be firmly a member of this world? This pattern that I was tagged with when I came into this world that is so highly sensitive to another’s presence, words, interaction and suffering.
Already when I began teaching three years ago, I have vowed to myself to face myself in all possible ways. I will no longer find mental diversions that I can use as an excuse. That is not to say that I won’t continue to learn and study and pursue my ideas, instead I will pursue them all the way and not keep them to myself so that they continue to create a “world” for me, I will make sure that all of me is out in the open and transparent in the way I would like life to be here on planet earth. As one and equal.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be content in the world of knowledge, to be buried behind books or other “constructive” activities tucked from others.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to consider studying and indulgence into knowledge a safe place for me to exist in.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel happy for having created a niche that allows me to hide away so I don’t have to deal with who I am.