I realised this morning that one aspect of my self-indulgence with knowledge, and my patterning referencing study and social interaction stems from a certain fear in social interaction. This morning I posted on the forum, it had to do with me not understanding an applied aspect of equality, which I take very seriously because that to me this is where the difference lies to other approaches for the betterment of this world, in how we actually apply equality otherwise it is just another lip service. So I had received a response back from Reginald, where he did not answer my question but basically said that my question had no relevance.
Previously I would have just left it at that, accompanied by this contracting feeling in my stomach. I often had this feeling in the past when posing questions to my parents. Mostly, they refused to answer and reacted annoyed to my questions and often even with anger. I remember feeling “loaded” inside by a specific question, wanting it to be answered. This is when I was young, may be under 8 years old. At the time there was no internet, no search engine available to me.
Today, instead of disappearing and “letting it be” as I would usually do when my questions weren’t answered, yet still in search for an answer I posted back. Normally I would have taken the middle of the road, not to rock the boat or upset anyone, I would have just “lived” with it and complied, like I had to as a kid. This time I re-evaluated my question, looking to see where I was coming from whether I genuinely wanted to know, and found that it was a question inside of me. Then I took steps to stand up. It wasn’t easy to do, because of this contracting abdominal feeling, telling me that I had done something “wrong” that I had upset someone with my question.
The connection I see between my study/knowledge indulgence and my parents not interacting with me intellectually- is that maybe now I overcompensate for this situation. Now I can ask as many questions as I want and since I have learned to obtain answers by myself through books, journals or the internet I no longer have to put myself in a situation where I might receive an angry blow from someone who does not want to answer my question. I’m no longer dependent on actual people. Just writing this right now, tears are rolling over my checks, it feels as if I hit the nerve of something deeply buried inside of me.
As a child, I used suffer a lot because of my inquisitive nature and never having my parent’s open ear to listen to me. I remember by the time I was in school, I was already so conditioned to keep my mouth shut when having questions that being surrounded by potential answers through teachers made no difference in me standing up and asking questions.
Breath, breath, breath, I need to breath here – I don’t want to stop writing right now although this is difficult. I want to see further what other points are related to this. Even if I don’t make much progress today, I will come back to this point.
The types of friends I have in my life reflect this situation as well. I generally turn off quickly when people have nothing “interesting” to say. What I have defined as interesting is usually some intellectual investigation into ‘any’ theme really. As long as it involves asking questions and looking for answers- an intellectual discussion. I recall that when I started to apply self-honesty socially – at least to some extend- or when I started to stand up more and more for myself instead of swallowing whatever is in my life and taking the middle road, I lost two friends from childhood. With both I had not much in common anymore, during conversations the topics would centre on complaints or on very obvious power struggles. Whenever I saw these friends, I felt uneasy, I felt as if I had to “adjust” myself. I would even take pride in being able to do so, just like I was able to “adjust” to the craziness or abuse of my parent’s relationship. When I realised that I was being dishonest with myself and finally stood up after all these years, and in self-honesty explained that I was changing my life and no longer engaging on this level, both friends just drifted away. There wasn’t really anything shared between us except for the memories of our childhood. At the time I was upset but now I understand better.
So how does this relate to what I mentioned above? It relates in this way: my friendships are established around the notion of shared inquisitive wanderings in the world of knowledge. The kind of social interaction that makes me feel good, is having some quality time with a friend and discussing a knowledge-based topic, not too personal of course, something that lies outside of us both, so to speak. The feeling of satisfaction comes from this shared communion of looking at various perspectives on a particular subject or theme, a shared mind trip – or perhaps a mind fuck?
I can see that this is doing something for me, something I never had as a child because there wasn’t anyone interested in what I was thinking or asking. And so I have spend many years of my life making up for this perceived lack without being aware of it by isolating myself from the world and pursuing my thoughts and ideas through knowledge – all mostly in avoidance of interaction with others, who if they weren’t my friends, presented a potential threat to becoming angry with me because of my views and/or my questions.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of asking questions.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of other people’s reactions.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to escape into knowledge because I am afraid of other people’s anger.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of another’s emotions.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to make study an excuse for not interacting with others.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be incapacitated by someone else’s reactions towards my words.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be feeling physical pain when someone reacts angry while interacting with me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to close myself up to the world because of not understanding it.
…to be continued….