Chapter seven

I should really be making a vlog on this. I have spent most of my day resisting to write, starting to write chapter seven. Seven used to be my favourite number, I used to believe that it is the number of my life path – wtf, it is the discussion chapter in my thesis. It is pretty much the final chapter, well, and the conclusion, but it is the final chapter where the intellectual meat resides, as they say. I have had a rough time just getting started. I have barely laid out the structure of this chapter and I don’t have any idea why I have such resistance. My mind is stalling in a big way.

I know what I need to do to get this chapter written, and yes, it’s not completely clear what I will say, how I will tie it all together but it is also not rocket science – I can do this I have all the ingredients, why is my mind resisting me so much? Perhaps this thesis coming to end is propelling me into a new stage of my life with a lot of pending changes -and that is scary. Perhaps it is the cocoon that I have created over the years that I will have to leave now – and that is scary. Whatever fear it is, today I have allowed my mind to run the show. It has to stop now!

I forgive myself for allowing myself to succumb to my mind’s resistance in concentrating on writing chapter seven.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of writing chapter seven.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of the life-after-PhD.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that writing chapter seven is difficult.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to procrastinate by focussing on other stuff in my thesis that I can do when the draft is completed.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of failing in my work.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid that my thesis is not rigorous enough.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that interdisciplinary theses are difficult to write.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to drink so much coffee today.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be upset at myself because I don’t get it together today since I have been doing so well in the past weeks.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be angry at myself for being a slave to my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be wasting time by resisting the work that has to be done.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid that this thesis is coming to an end.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to sabotage the time I have allocated for writing this chapter.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I can take a breather because I am almost done.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to search for excuses to avoid writing chapter seven.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I don’t know what to write in chapter seven.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fall down inside of myself.

I stop right now, right here, I am here and I stand!

 

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