The Desteni-I-Process and my personal effects

This is a busy and uncertain time for me. Years ago, things would have been so much different in yet another transitional phase of my life, where I am moving countries again. I am not about to compare myself to how I used to operate years ago, or before I started to be involved with Desteni. There is no point in that, it would just reiterate going into the past and holding onto memories that I am in the process of letting go. Instead, I would like to share some of my discoveries of who I really am, or what I am becoming, where I finally start to see the sense of the phrase that is often mentioned by Sunette, when she says “… to be here as life!”

I am currently in the process of packing up my personal effects. There are books, clothes, music, documents, academic papers, equipment, more books, kitchenware, furniture and so forth. I have some nicknacks though I have never been much of a collector in that direction, mostly it is a bunch of stones, visual art pieces, drift wood, and other borrowed items from nature. About two years ago, I already started to lighten up my personal effects in a leisurely way where I sorted through mostly old digital equipment.  I thought to get an early start because I knew that at this time, when my studies were completed, I would have to move again, and face that perpetually unhappy part of me because I seem to never pair down my stuff enough to be content with myself.

At this time in my life I stand differently towards that which I call my belongings, and the cause for this is that I have been taking part in an education that has changed my life – the Desteni-I-Process. Through this process I understand and gain insight in how I have programmed myself on every level of my existence. For example, I no longer have negative feelings towards “having stuff”. I used to have this elated feeling when I was able to throw things away. Ah! Now, I realise that that was a programmed reaction from childhood as both of my parents are keepers of things “ …. you never know when you might need it..” – and when I am honest with myself I have enjoyed digging around in my parents’ house for some groovy old this or that, which was in perfect shape and several decades old.

Both of my parents have lived through WWII as very small children and both have been programmed to fear the loss of objects, or access to useful items, tools, and so forth. Although I still carry this fear of loss as well, as everyone in this world,  I have been born into the age of material wealth and the dawning of plastic  – “stuff” is everywhere. I also remember that over the years, the amount of stuff in the world has increased drastically and of course I had a problem with that as well – made in China everywhere. This is not to say that I now welcome overproduction but what I understand is that overproduction is a symptom of collective behaviour, which can only be addressed on an individual level as with the Desteni-I-Process.  As a reaction to my parents, I have programmed myself to be a minimalist which meant that most of the time I had this hidden disgust with “having stuff”. It wasn’t always that clear to me. Only recently through the Desteni-I-Process – which is a bit like wine, it gets better with time, that is the more you do it – I have learned to see, understand, and release the underlying feelings that I have carried around for so long relating to “having stuff”.

So today and the coming weeks I will be packing again, and although I have lightened my load dramatically over the years, there is still much to discover of who I am, here as life, when I confront myself with the material role of my ego, with the things that I call my belongings. This morning, I came across a folder from when I used to work in the video game industry. I used to work as a commercial video game artist where the projects are large, short term (18 months back then) and intense. Intense not only in production but also in structure and organisation. In this respective folder are neatly sorted pages that layout the structural organisation and production of one of the big Sony Playstation games I used to work on. When I looked at the information I realised that I have kept all these documents, over many years, because I saw myself as inferior to this information. I kept these documents because they reflected a superbly organised and structured approach to the making of a million dollar video game – because I believed that “the people who I was working with knew what they were doing”. Back then, when I decided to keep this folder, it was not just that this folder could serve me as a sample of a piece of collaborative work that may come in handy at some point in my future work life, but mostly what I stated with my behaviour was that I was looking up to this ability to organise large amounts of information, and that I did not trust myself to be able to do such a thing without being shown how. In other words, I was standing towards knowledge and information from a perspective of inferiority. Yet, I have never been in a situation again where I wanted to retrieve that folder or have another look at it, and now after my PhD I can say that I have organised and produced even more information than what was contained in the making of this video-game. Thus, it was my belief in inferiority that made me hold onto this folder.

Moreover, what I realised this morning is that I had the belief that to be a functioning member in the system I need to acquire, whether that is information, knowledge, or skills, to be identifiable to others. In the process of doing so, in acquiring whatever I thought useful to acquire, I separated myself from others and from what is here in this world. Both cases of insight into my programming exemplify how much I was “running” on fear and insecurity.

This morning, when I picked up that folder – the folder that opened a door to my past programming, I remained here, as life. To my surprise, I saw nothing more than a folder containing some information and knowledge.  It was a folder here with me in the same space – and that was it.

In this moment I did realise one thing though: through the Desteni-I-Process, I have understood that life and being part of this humanity is about my active participation, it is about what I put out into the world as me, a Self, not as objects or skills – and the more I let go of feelings and emotions through this process, the more I am able to do just that – participate and share myself – and unfold the lived experience of what it like to be here as life.

In some sense it is as if a switch is being flipped inside of me where I was mostly concerned with drawing to me things and skills, I am now becoming expansive as Self, as here, as available for others to change this world and make it what it can be – the best possible place for everyone on earth.

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1 Comment

Filed under self-forgiveness

One response to “The Desteni-I-Process and my personal effects

  1. bellabargilly

    So COOL!

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