This morning I woke up and felt “down” or “low”. I looked out the window and it was raining dogs and cats. I started my day, mumbling self-forgiveness but acting without intentional presence. Rather, I just worked on what I had to do, to get it done, and not fall behind schedule. The hours went by and my state of being did not resolve. My investigations tried to make sense of why I was feeling this way. I did not even know what I was feeling, I was just feeling “heavy” but without concrete understanding of the emotion in detail. I considered it might have been because I had so much to do, and I was fretting of getting all the stuff done before the big move which entails leaving the country permanently. Maybe it was because I had to handle artefacts from my past, such as documents, objects, and all kinds of items I have amassed over the years, as I am currently going through all my personal belongings to detach and eliminate the bulk of it.
That was not it either, and the self-forgiveness applied from those two perspectives did not resolve the situation. Finally, I reviewed last night where I was skyping with Gabriel. I recalled that he was quite excited because he had moved houses, and that I was quite excited to have the first skype with him in his new flat. I also recalled that after our brief skype session was concluded, I already experienced a sense of uneasiness, perhaps fears even. However, I did not further investigate this matter at the time and shortly after went to sleep. Now, as I was looking at the interaction again, and had brought myself back to the moment of uneasiness I was feeling last night, I realised what had happened.
We were both interacting from our personality constructs, and what was playing out was the inferiority-superiority construct that I have been familiar with in previous relationships. The points that came up within that context where laden with fears and limitation. All of it self-created, of course. I saw further that this particular personality construct within me, taking on an inferior role, was also responsible for me having escaped relationships, or why I had deemed relationship as avoidable, which has provided me, in many ways, with the backdrop for my fierce independence.
There it was in front of me, and I could breathe through it and forgive myself for having gone there, for having accepted an old pattern momentarily. As soon as this realisation occurred, the heaviness and uneasiness disappeared at once, and what remained was me in a stable state – while the rain continued to pour down outside my window.