Category Archives: self-forgiveness

Gregg Braden has it backwards – is this a case of the blind leading the blind?

Gregg Braden advocates self-change. He gives advice to others in how to go about changing oneself. Though, is he really qualified to do so? Here I will debunk one of his phrases that are meant as support but are in reality quite misleading.

“Don’t look back, you are not going that way” by Gregg Braden

Let’s look at it. There are two parts to this phrase. The first part is about looking back into one’s past. What must be considered here:

You are creating your future from the past – there is no other way because the accumulation of all your thoughts and “imprints” of behaviours from reactions and ego mechanisms will be there with you – no matter where you go. Actually it isn’t a matter of where you go because you can only go to where your past is leading you unless you stop and become self-directive. Unless you look at the ingredients of your behaviour, thoughts and memories –  whereby the “looking at” is not so much a “looking back”, this is in fact implied by the time line that you have walked thus far – a “looking back” denotes a looking inside of who you are, the acceptances and allowances, through self-honesty.

So then the question arises: if you are conglomeration of all that you have lived thus far, how can you magically not be going the way you came from?
The answer to that is: you can’t. What the author is saying with “you are not going this way” is the ignore the past and stay in denial of what you have created over time through participation in thoughts, and output as memories and manifested experiences. In actuality the opposite is the case, as long as you are not looking into by looking back you are exactly going the way you came because you have suppressed your Self so much that you are unaware of the future that you are creating within every breath and in every step.

As we have seen, taking these types of phrases lightly without investigating what they really mean can be misleading and cause stagnation.
If you are truly interested in change, then the first point of change to consider is oneself. There is a thoroughly investigated and solid approach to self-change which is the DesteniIProcess.

If you have questions there is a forum which will answer any and all your questions –


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2012 The not so hidden pattern of great qualities

I have just listened to Kim’s vlog on the desire for self-confidence where she relates to a pattern I am seeing within myself.

The system we have accepted as our economic basis for interaction and for survival is a system that commodifies absolutely everything. The past eras have shown this clearly as we have sped up our cycles of production and consumption through applied technological tools that have facilitated ever faster and global production methods. In conjunction with this, we have been propelled to find ever new venues to sell and consume.  From the perspective of the system this is not difficult to do. The mind provides a fertile ground to dream up needs and desires, and the marketing of these, so that those with money will respond.

There is no limitation from the mind’s end, the limitation is within the resources that are needed in bridging the mind and in the corresponding material implementation which is dependent on physical resources. This is where the limitation lies because the available resources cannot be controlled by the mind (such as peak oil) and thus, eventually, the system will consume itself.

We must realise that this pattern is applied to absolutely anything we, as the mind, can conjure up. Therefore, this cycle of production and consumption is applied to conceptual items as a gateway to the material consumption. It is through ideas and concepts where we reinvent ourselves continuously that we keep this cyclic mechanism alive.

The conceptual aspect of consumption is, for example, the selling of ‘great qualities’. “Being self-confident” is such a quality for sale, it can be had through the reading of self-help books, or by taking courses, or by going to therapy. It may take many years and much consumption of ‘support’ material – and by the end of this process one has become a walking financial investment, like having stock on the stock market which now fetches a high share price, or also known as personality pattern – namely to be self-confident.

However as Kim says, what happens then is that we reach a plateau, the end of the line, when we have gotten to be that ‘great quality’, it is like sitting in front of an empty plate of chocolate mousse. This then signals to us that we can begin the cycle anew of wanting to consume the next best thing that we happen to see as desirable, because the world tells us so, and because neither the world nor ourselves have ever existent in self-trust.

But how can we trust ourselves when we do not understand the precise mechanism why we get angry or feel happy, when all of this has been left up to human nature which we so conveniently accept as the all-around answer to our questions about who we are. It is interesting to see that we will want to acquire ‘great qualities’ without knowing what actually makes us operate and function in the way we are doing in this moment.

To illustrate this in physical terms, I will draw on archeology, because here in the physical world we have an example where we make the attempt to walk backwards. Unfortunately, we are doing this effort with artefacts which is not useful because we are missing the core elements, the understanding of our mental dispositions that have led to the production of artefacts. The source has always been our mind, and by transposing it to the material world, this investigation becomes futile – at best it is the mind confirming itself through what it finds in the ground.

Yet with this example, it becomes clear that in order to understand what we have created as ourselves – as we have just seen with the example of wanting to become self-confident – we must stop the consumption of cycles and start moving backwards, unraveling step by step what these desires are and why each and everyone of us works towards piling on as much stuff as possible, whether that is conceptually speaking or materialistically speaking.

To stop this cycle, we have only got to do one thing that is to stop the mind – though before we can do that we have to stop believing our mind, that we are the mind.


For more information check out the links in the side bar.

This was written in context of my participation with and

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2012 Self-programming evidence when learning a new language

In this blog I will briefly describe my recent observations of learning a third language. It has been an interesting experience so far, not because I have a rather easy and fun time learning it, which is yet another point, but rather because for the first time I am aware of how personality construction is tied to language. I can see how I would have done this as a small child when I learned my mother tongue and did not realise what self-programming meant at that time. I have a different perspective now. One, where I understand that my personality behaviour is driven by my ego which takes every single situation of interaction with others as grounds for distortion through means of manipulation, deception and sabotage – all in accordance with my personality. I say ‘my’ ego, and that is already the indication for me to stop right here: my ego and I are one as I am the one who accepts this behaviour. After all, this is the reason why I am taking part in the DesteniIProcess because I want to step out of the mental existence driven by ego, and and be here as the living word- as Self.

What I have realised is the following. I learn words and grammar of the language that I am learning through interactions with my teacher in class, other students, and through doing my homework.  In my daily life, I apply what I have learned in the context of speaking with others who are native speakers. There is usually a discrepancy between what I want to say and what I can say at my current level of learning. What I mean is that I do not have all the grammar and words to express what I would like to say to others. This is already quite curious because that which I want to say exists somewhere, as part of me, but not in already formed words.  It is the stage before I form a phrase, before I speak from mind – but I cannot say where that place is, per say. I realise that our habitual procedure of speaking, when speaking in one’s mother tongue, speeds up the process that I am experiencing in slowness, and that once one speaks fluently, when one has mastered the language, one cannot even recall these ‘in-between’ places where only self-expression exists without words.

Here is another observation: at this time I can only speak in the present tense. Therefore I can only reference or communicate to someone else what is happening with me or the world around me right now, in this moment. It is seemingly a limitation but when looking at it more closely I have noticed that speaking about the past becomes less relevant. When one cannot describe one’s life experience in the past tense and only in the present tense, the familiar petty aspects of story telling, the character definition of others, the energetic undertone that can come with past tense telling is absent. What stays when communicating the past in the present tense is the pattern that is emergent from our past, and that can be communicated in the present tense. I find this quite supportive because it highlights my behavioural patterns more clearly. I see more clearly what I have accepted and allowed to be me.

All these observations are facilitated by being slowed down through the nature of learning to speak in another language. Also, there is no possibility for me to momentarily go into mind-time and speed up my speaking participation. By having slowed down to the degree that I have as I am becoming the embodied manifestation of the words, which is different from speaking slowly, because even then one is only slowing down on the surface but the underlying process is still proceeding at the same speed I can see how I, within myself, react to situations. Here I have noticed that it is within the interaction itself, rather than what I want to express (and may not be able to), manipulation and deception is accepted by me and the other party. It is this process that eventually, through repetition, charges each word I say.

From the perspective of my process I find this an amazing discovery because this makes a few points clear to me:

1) During the word formation, for example when I have used the words of my new language for a few times, an emotional/feeling charge can build up (if I don’t stop it) from the situations in which I have spoken these words. The emotional/feeling charge seems to easily take on a prominent position, overriding the essence of what it is that I want to express – that which is still here without the words.  Hence, I can see that all the words I so easily spew out in my other languages are full of emotional/feeling charges that leave no room for self-expression.

The solution: Redefinition of  words to eliminate the emotional/feeling charges.

2) Finally I have seen that I am self-expression somewhere buried inside. I only have a glimpse but I see that I do not need the mind to be here.

The solution: Equalise the mind so that self-expression can flow freely, and language is the living word. The living word is self-expression.

3) We are defining ourselves through the interaction with others, through the energetic charge words span the relations of our ships. Relationships are primarily charged through what seems to be an ‘exchange’ with others. Although this exchange is not really exchanging anything, it is a ‘charging station’ where each for themselves charges in the face of the other.

The solution: Taking self-responsibility – to step out of the trap of self-interest and learn to stand equal to each word that I utter – and thus have the prerequisites to get to know another.

Recommended reading:

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Realisations on ‘Trust’

The word “trust” was introduced to me in phrases like “trust your gut feeling” ; “trust in god”; “trust yourself!” – I remember pondering what that actually meant because my parents could equally say to me “trust that it will turn out alright in the end”.  Where was trust?  What was behind this elusive term?

Trust was never taught to me as being part of me but rather as something outside of me. Something precious that I had to work for, to prove myself just like others had to, in demonstrating their trustworthy behaviour to me. Trust works like money in the bank that when you give it away, when you ‘deposit’ your trust in others than you have invested into this person, and you expect a return from your investment. From this position I trusted others not to betray my trust, and thus held them prisoner the same way I held myself prisoner not to do something that would be in some way counter productive to the trust they had given me. I realise that I had no understanding of trust, and most of the time did not want to look at this word more closely. It scared me, it was a big word, there was something final about it – like a final frontier – to have trust meant something so absolute.

Over the years, when I studied spirituality, the word trust would reappear in my life. When reading scriptures or listening to “mind appeasers” – slogans, I heard spoken by gurus – that I used to attach myself to, hoping that if I honour the content my life would turn out alright. I trusted their words. Then, it did not dawn on me to investigate these words to see what they really stood for, and why I so easily sought to make them my own. It was difficult to gain clarity through the hazy mist of emotions and feelings that engulfed me.

The issue of self-trust has surfaced when I had to make important decisions where I get stuck weighing the pro’s and con’s surrounding the elements of the decision, neither wanting to commit to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – because: what if I could not trust my decision, what if I could not trust myself. I realise that self-trust means I make the decision from the starting point of what is best for everyone who is affected by the decision. In self-trust I take a stance to face the ensuing consequences of my choices which means I take responsibility for what I create.

Distrust was part of my education. In science education we equate being distrustful to a good starting point for scientific inquiry because we can never be 100% sure that our results are accurate in reflecting an objective reality. Distrusting a scientific outcome is the basis for doubt as catalyst for reasoning. The whole scientific process is disguised as identifying pieces of knowledge that can be convincingly communicated to others, convincing others that they can trust the information to be free from personal history, perspective, or assumptions – that the information is objective.

I realise that without self-trust there is no self-value as life. Consequently, the lack of self-trust is compensated for by looking for validation in others or in some ‘thing’ that is outside of myself and will function as a fake foundation in which I can place a safety anchor, and call it trust. This is what I have allowed to exist within as myself “to trust that things will turn out” – as I mentioned in the beginning. Placing trust “somewhere” is to have an idea of trust where trust remains a separate entity – this separation is there even when I say I place trust inside of my Self. It creates a space, a room for the “lazy” way out, not to take responsibility, not to equate for oneself in self-honesty what is best for all.

If I see my Self as this separate entity from trust then there is also room to be either “less then” (<) or “more than” (>) depending on the situation and on the pre-programmed elements that I have accepted to be me. Just like a mathematical equation. Then, in this gap between Self and trust the variable “doubt” can enter, and in all instances the outcome is a self-defeating cycle where the noise of my mind can have a foothold and I become reactionary to outside influences, to feelings and emotions – in brief: I compromise my Self. When trust equals (=) Self, I stop all possibilities and uncertainties. I remain here.

The road to self-trust is pathless but not “peopleless”


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Self is to self-forgive – backtrack to the beginning

When I learned about self-forgiveness a curious thing happened. I moved myself from confusion to clarity. Up until the moment I was involved in conventional spiritual pursuits, Eastern and Western, I had accepted a state of perturbation as part of the spiritual path. Several concepts in classical approaches to Eastern religion escaped my understanding and were merely items of study. I recall pondering “oneness”, what does that really mean to exist in oneness – I mean what if someone is a mass murderer should I still find a way to identify with him or her?

These unanswered questions left me feeling uneasy. The way I tried to resolve this situation was to believe that my capability for comprehension was  just not up to scratch yet, and perhaps I just had to try harder and one day I would get there, after all it was known that any spiritual practice takes years to get somewhere – wherever that is.

When I started to practise self-forgiveness, which was not introduced to me in isolation but in the context of our allowances and acceptances, in other words our unwillingness to acknowledge our ‘full membership in humanity’ – I experienced my first release. A sense of lightness of being, like a weight that was released although I never knew I carried it. It was as if I had dealt with a math problem for all those years but never quite had the foundation to actually solve the equation. With self-forgiveness in Self-honesty, the principle what is best for all, and the understanding that oneness is the absence of any delineation between myself and the other – that is in emotion, feeling, thought and speech – the equation was making sense. My confusion waned instantly.

The beginning of writing self-forgiveness was not easy. My sense of moving forward was to take a machete to hand to cut through the jungle that is my mind. The more I cut the more I cleared away and became clear. The first lessons of the Desteni-I-process where extremely instrumental for me to do so. I recall that one of the first structured self-forgiveness lessons I completed had the thought – to be forgiven:

“If only I was a butterfly – then I could just fly around all day”

I recall pondering: hmm, so what’s wrong with that? It was only later in the process that I realised that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with this statement but to wish to be someone or somewhere else was an escape mechanism from my responsibility of my ‘full membership in humanity’, and acceptance of polarisation.

Writing these words I find it enjoyable to backtrack to the first moments of my self-forgiveness practice – and yes, it is my practice, I have made it my own. I have applied myself when the resistances and excuses lurked: “oh, it’s too late today”, “I have so much other stuff to do”, “I don’t have anything to forgive” – yet, every time I pushed through I was grateful afterwards for having given my Self a bit more vision. Real vision – not what I see with my eyes – the picture reality we believe to be real – but what I see in what I have become and how I have programmed my Self to exist.

This joy extends to seeing with real vision how I have changed through the practise of self-forgiveness and the releases I have experienced. I recall being on the forum and posting that I was forgiving my Self to be in conflict with my name. Similar to the deeper issues pertaining to the statement on the butterfly above, I attributed my name to not having had any choices in how I exist on this planet. I was born in a place, into a family, into circumstances, into an age, and so forth – without my volition or my say, and the label for all that was my name. I was angry, ashamed and in denial about it. When I practised self-forgiveness on this particular thought construct, I experienced a deep release, I felt it all over my body.

It was moments like these that kept me going. There seemed to be a repertoire of “ancient” emotions that I did not share with others, nor did I want to look at them myself. They remained buried inside of me and I did what I had to, to keep the lid on. These were suddenly allowed to come to the surface because I wanted them there. I was eager to test and test, this and that – that belief and that emotion that I had carried around with me for so long. In the beginning I even felt that it took courage to go inside of me and pull up these programmed items. I enjoyed the moment where I “jumped” and then they were there, in front of me, black on white – or white on black (as with the Desteni forum).

Understanding the practice of self-forgiveness took more than just me reading how to do it, it taught me to understand oneness in physical reality. When I first started to practise forgiving my Self I had many questions on how to go about it, or I felt confident that I grasped a particular aspect when I actually did not. The oneness that I am talking about is the support and the assistance I receive from others. For each baby step I took there was an assisting, typing hand. I was building my practice step by step with support. This lived understanding, that I was not able to do it on my own, opened my Self up to equality. When I saw others starting to apply self-forgiveness and gaining more clarity over time – I was enjoying myself.

This was not a teacher-student scenario because those who were assisting me where also assisted by others – we were in this together and from that perspective I received assistance. It was not about knowledge, it was rendering our egos visible to each other and that is in fact an ongoing process. The only difference between now and then is that I can now drive this process on my own, I can sit down and write and open up a point. Yet there are always times and moments when I deal with a particular point where a Destonian perspective is needed where those around me can see what I cannot see. Likewise, when a Destonian exposes a point to me or the group, I can learn to see something about my acceptances that I was not aware of before. This is not a matter of ability it is a characteristic of walking as equals in oneness.

The resulting Self that is me today has left behind emotions and feelings that I believed to be me. The more I see myself change, the more I see my responsibility and the more I lose interest in myself only – the more I can share. Most of all the more I practise, the more I see how I could not be without the group – a group unlike any other – a group that changes everything for me and for all, equally.

Note: by “practise” I mean ‘practically applied’ through writing and speaking.

For more information on Self-forgiveness check out

For the Desteniiprocess.

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2012 – The Atlantean equation

Atlantis and the myth about it used to have a magical effect on me. It allowed me to go into a dream state that I used as mental landing pad into my imagination: there is a whole world out there of which I know nothing of. Was it just a story, was it real?  I recall when the love & light community was considering humans as star seeds, and everyone chose a favourite extraterrestrial they wanted to be connected with, I wanted to be “from” Atlantis. Today, I realise that wanting to be ‘something’ else than human is an indication of the mess we humans have created of life on earth. A place that is becoming less and less inhabitable because of the accumulation of physical evidence that self-interest is destructive, and our existence in this way futile and finite.

To hear the real story of Atlantis from an Atlantean made me realise the illusion we live today.

When I listened to the interview: Atlantis – the untold story, I realised that my previous mystification of Atlantis is the escape we all exist within, to suspend the fear of not knowing who we are or where we came from, an escape mechanism we have so thoroughly accepted to exist as our culture. We use this mechanism to give ourselves the license to conjure up anything we want. “Hey, we just don’t know any better”.  The Atlantean who spoke through Sunette was clearly not feeding my imagination anymore. The being was showing us in its own words that there are other things that exist as reality – beyond our imagination, and that we have little or no clue of what that really is:  Growth of self through equality and oneness.

Atlanteans had a concrete grasp on maintaining oneness with each other. It was in their interest to maintain this oneness because it was in the interest of all – basic common sense! When the conditions for one are unacceptable then sooner or later this will be the case for all. For example: if we were to drop colour into a bucket of clear water, the water would become coloured throughout, the drop would not just stay in one corner, refusing to acknowledge that it is in the same bucket with all the other water and therefore not mix.  The more colour we add to the water in the bucket, the more intense the colour becomes. Take this as an analogy, humans are made up from 99% water.

Our existence is self-contradictory. One the one hand we are clueless of our beginnings, our purpose, if there is one; or why we live the way we do. On the other hand, the one thing we know for fact is where we are going because we actually create it physically in the world. This is the only reliable measure we have. Yet we make no use of it – we either deny the physical changes of earth, or we claim no participation. Here we miss exactly what it is we do in essence, and that which we claim to be our culture. We draw on activities that pursue illusion. We pursue that which is not real, not here in the physical world but we make it either so in our minds, or with physical means that can convince the mind and our feelings that the illusion is real.

From entertainment, such as the making of film, the writing of novels, the playing of games, to spirituality, rituals, and love & light celebrations – we persistently chase the illusionary. How can we not see this? It is so blatant in the world we live in – our population is largely starving, species are going extinct, we torture and massacre ourselves and all living creatures around us. Yet, the few that have a good life believe that the colour (referring to the water example mentioned above) will never reach them.  Nevertheless, the evidence is found among those as well: steadily increasing numbers of sicknesses and the consumption of pharmaceutical products – that are supposed to hold up a sick body in a sick world.

My conclusion after having listened to the Atlantean is this:
The pursuit of illusion in all its forms, resulting from the starting point of denial that we are held together by one place (earth) and by the same (earth) materials, diminishes life until non-existence is reached.

The pursuit of equality in all its forms, resulting from the starting point of acknowledgement that we are rooted and birthed from one place, supported by the same materials encourages infinite growth and the flourishing of all life.

My choice is clear.

Equality and oneness literature and interviews:

Equality and oneness economic approach:

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Creating my life through the DesteniIProcess

I have been asking myself if the agreement with Gabriel might have been a pre-programmed situation. The reason for asking myself this question has been twofold. First, we seem to be quite compatible in a basic way of being. Don’t get me wrong I can see that this agreement is taking me apart which is beyond what I was experiencing in my process when I was on my own. I can see that the perceived peaceful inner state I was experiencing then is now in chaos most of the time which means that it was not real, and this is requiring me to look at my issues in much more depth than before.

Second, the timing could not have been better to start an agreement. I had finished my studies and both Gabriel and I had to move from our old flats. In my case I had to move countries because of the enormous cost of living in the UK. It all fit just a tad too well for me not to be skeptical about it. Yet, in the beginning when he and I first met and an agreement was on the table, I dealt with much anxiety of fear of loss of my independence. I had not reckoned with an agreement any time soon and was quite satisfied with my ‘single’ status.

The other day, I mentioned the pre-programmed aspect to Gabriel, who said to me that it is a matter of ceasing one’s opportunity as these open up. After reflecting on this for some time now, I see what he means and found that “ceasing one’s opportunity” comes into play as part of the DesteniIprocess where we learn to make decisions on the basis of a non-energetic state.

I will explain this on a pertinent real-life example. In May of this year, when I was going through the last stages of examination regarding my studies, I was presented with a highly probable opportunity for a job, which entailed becoming part of a research team in a small town in France. At the time, when this opportunity presented itself I was having to cope with things on multiple fronts. I did not want to make a decision out of a situation where I had no clarity in terms of what I wanted to do after my studies once these had been entirely completed, meaning all the last examinations had been done and dusted, and I was free to review my situation. However, the deadline of applying for this job meant I had to furnish the research team with an immediate response. Granted that there were other issues with this job but this was the biggest one. Thus my answer to this opportunity was “no, thank you”.

Some of my colleagues did not understand how I could have let such an opportunity slip through my fingers. Given the economic situation and the overall factor of how interesting this post would have been, from the outside it certainly looked like I was being foolish to let it go. Had this been years ago, before I started the DesteniIprocess, I would have been probably too fearful to say ‘No’ even if I really wanted to. I would have been afraid of how difficult it would be to find a suitable job and would have convinced myself to take it because of my inferior position towards the point of being without work.

This is not to say that I am fearless when it comes to not having a job and making money, or that I do not long for security. What it says is that my starting point for making a decision has changed and that, in this instance, I did not operate from my typical pre-programmed way of acting in the world that I know has influenced my previous decisions on jobs and matters of having to do with being secure in the system.

If we look at the trajectory that follows, having not ceased this job opportunity, I was able to cease the agreement opportunity because I was still in the UK at the time when Gabriel came to participate in a business meeting. This enabled us to meet up and connect in physical space, which later prompted the agreement. Ceasing an opportunity from the starting point of self rather than from the starting point of pre-programmed reaction, then let me create my life where I was able to choose an agreement with another, and begin to investigate myself in relation to intimacy and shared living with other Destonians. Hence it was through the DesteniIprocess that I was able to change my life situation.

Since I started the DesteniIprocess I have understood that every breath is accumulative in the process of creating my life and that these decisions are really composed of minute moment-to-moment maneuvers in the world. Only if I understand who I am here in every moment can I become self-directive and stand as a self, as one and equal to all that is here.


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