Tag Archives: decision

“The Decision” – Bernard, I got it

In my effort to move on and face the world that was left behind with Bernard’s passing, I continue to write on the topic, on that which I learned from the man who embodied the sum of all relationships that I could ever have with any human. (I referred to him elsewhere as self-complete).

In the beginning of this year, Bernard asked if me if I had made my decision, the decision of who I am. At the time, I found this question difficult to understand. I wrote several blogs on how I no longer wanted to cater to the picture, the idea, that I had of myself. The secret wishes that motivated me to pursue certain activities, and that shaped my interests and preferences in the world and patterned my relationship with others. Wishes that are build on lies, grandeur, arrogance and manipulation. Through the process of self-forgiveness, I shed the outer layer of these secrets yet I see that I am not free of self-judgements. Secretly wishing to be this or that is directly born from the inner mental eye that we cast upon ourselves not realising that this eye cannot see in physical reality and yet, it determines what we place into Pandora’s box, where we hide ourselves away.

A few pages of self-forgiveness later, I realised that all I wrote out was that which I no longer want to be and by doing so I worked on a process of elimination, which I grasped in hindsight has nothing to do with making a decision about who I am. Though, it was a necessary step because it created a clearance within me, and although I am still working on picture ‘elements’, they are no longer the fuzzy bunch but a few fist-size rocks that clearly shimmer through the water, as I chisel away at them.

With the accumulation of the insights that I had during my farm visit, I realised that to make a decision about who I am is the substrate of stopping my reactions. Especially fear and anxiety are at the root of a meandering, wavering Self that bends over backwards at each crossroad because it is spineless and brings no firmness to any situation. And this much was true, making decisions was one of my greatest “weaknesses” thus far. That’s not to say that I faltered at every step of the way, in some areas I have been more decisive than others but as a general approach to choice, I have developed a canon of tactics to deal with decision-making times. One of the ways I disguised indecisiveness for myself was to believe that I am a patient person – “I can wait, really” – until my environment makes a decision for me. This is what happened just recently when Bernard died. The decision to walk my process for real emerged from Bernard’s passing. I could no longer postpone the reality that I am walking this process for myself, that I must rely on my Self and not on Bernard. I must lead myself and probe, investigate and conduct this self-study, because now the decision has been made for me – Bernard is dead.

Making the decision – of who I am – is much simpler than I ever expected it to be but of course much harder to implement. The decision lies within that which I bring to each situation – the Self-relationship I bring to the world. A situation is a collection of moments with a distinct set of encircling stances – circumstances – that are formed through all entities that participate in a particular situation. The decision that answers the question “who am I”, is my position within those encircling stances. Position is an interesting word in this context, because it denotes primarily a location in space based on coordinates that are physically measurable. Strictly physically speaking, no body is ever without location in space.

The decision about who I am is therefore whether I chose to have a relationship with myself or not. This Self-relationship is actually a place within my being where I am whole and inseparable from myself, no matter what happens in my environment. When I chose to have no relationship with myself, in which case I am not the one directing my position, I will be directed by my memory in form of reactions such as fear, anxiety but also happiness and sentiment, which “move” me in every way, in the words I speak, in my gestures, in how I approach tasks, what I do and what I don’t, and how other’s manipulative faculties influence the way I live my life. By contrast when I am in a relationship with myself what moves me is the central point within me, it’s my internal pivot point of equality and oneness with myself. So, in essence the difference lies in whether I bring myself to the situation holistically, or whether the situation is ‘brought’ to me, where I receive the situation based on my database of memories and other people’s opinions and beliefs. These memories, beliefs and opinions act like wedges which I allow to exist between myself and the world, and as a consequence, I experience myself in separation.

What has happened since is that once I made the decision to walk the relationship of my Self, I enter situations differently. Sure, I am in the developmental stages of building a relationship with Self yet I am clear on the position that I take within myself. When I am one and equal with and to myself, then, losing my connection because of reactions is only a temporary occurrence and I drop the separation immediately and reconnect. It happens in the moment, my awareness shifts back to my body. The answer to the question “who am I ?” is therefore “I am ‘how’!” – I am connected to myself – which I see now is the gateway to all other relationships that I create in the world both physically and conceptually.

So, Bernard, if you were here, I’d say to you “I got it”.

gotit_bernie

Bernard Poolman at the Desteni Farm

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Realisations on ‘Trust’

The word “trust” was introduced to me in phrases like “trust your gut feeling” ; “trust in god”; “trust yourself!” – I remember pondering what that actually meant because my parents could equally say to me “trust that it will turn out alright in the end”.  Where was trust?  What was behind this elusive term?

Trust was never taught to me as being part of me but rather as something outside of me. Something precious that I had to work for, to prove myself just like others had to, in demonstrating their trustworthy behaviour to me. Trust works like money in the bank that when you give it away, when you ‘deposit’ your trust in others than you have invested into this person, and you expect a return from your investment. From this position I trusted others not to betray my trust, and thus held them prisoner the same way I held myself prisoner not to do something that would be in some way counter productive to the trust they had given me. I realise that I had no understanding of trust, and most of the time did not want to look at this word more closely. It scared me, it was a big word, there was something final about it – like a final frontier – to have trust meant something so absolute.

Over the years, when I studied spirituality, the word trust would reappear in my life. When reading scriptures or listening to “mind appeasers” – slogans, I heard spoken by gurus – that I used to attach myself to, hoping that if I honour the content my life would turn out alright. I trusted their words. Then, it did not dawn on me to investigate these words to see what they really stood for, and why I so easily sought to make them my own. It was difficult to gain clarity through the hazy mist of emotions and feelings that engulfed me.

The issue of self-trust has surfaced when I had to make important decisions where I get stuck weighing the pro’s and con’s surrounding the elements of the decision, neither wanting to commit to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – because: what if I could not trust my decision, what if I could not trust myself. I realise that self-trust means I make the decision from the starting point of what is best for everyone who is affected by the decision. In self-trust I take a stance to face the ensuing consequences of my choices which means I take responsibility for what I create.

Distrust was part of my education. In science education we equate being distrustful to a good starting point for scientific inquiry because we can never be 100% sure that our results are accurate in reflecting an objective reality. Distrusting a scientific outcome is the basis for doubt as catalyst for reasoning. The whole scientific process is disguised as identifying pieces of knowledge that can be convincingly communicated to others, convincing others that they can trust the information to be free from personal history, perspective, or assumptions – that the information is objective.

I realise that without self-trust there is no self-value as life. Consequently, the lack of self-trust is compensated for by looking for validation in others or in some ‘thing’ that is outside of myself and will function as a fake foundation in which I can place a safety anchor, and call it trust. This is what I have allowed to exist within as myself “to trust that things will turn out” – as I mentioned in the beginning. Placing trust “somewhere” is to have an idea of trust where trust remains a separate entity – this separation is there even when I say I place trust inside of my Self. It creates a space, a room for the “lazy” way out, not to take responsibility, not to equate for oneself in self-honesty what is best for all.

If I see my Self as this separate entity from trust then there is also room to be either “less then” (<) or “more than” (>) depending on the situation and on the pre-programmed elements that I have accepted to be me. Just like a mathematical equation. Then, in this gap between Self and trust the variable “doubt” can enter, and in all instances the outcome is a self-defeating cycle where the noise of my mind can have a foothold and I become reactionary to outside influences, to feelings and emotions – in brief: I compromise my Self. When trust equals (=) Self, I stop all possibilities and uncertainties. I remain here.

The road to self-trust is pathless but not “peopleless”  http://www.desteniiprocess.com

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Self is to self-forgive – backtrack to the beginning

When I learned about self-forgiveness a curious thing happened. I moved myself from confusion to clarity. Up until the moment I was involved in conventional spiritual pursuits, Eastern and Western, I had accepted a state of perturbation as part of the spiritual path. Several concepts in classical approaches to Eastern religion escaped my understanding and were merely items of study. I recall pondering “oneness”, what does that really mean to exist in oneness – I mean what if someone is a mass murderer should I still find a way to identify with him or her?

These unanswered questions left me feeling uneasy. The way I tried to resolve this situation was to believe that my capability for comprehension was  just not up to scratch yet, and perhaps I just had to try harder and one day I would get there, after all it was known that any spiritual practice takes years to get somewhere – wherever that is.

When I started to practise self-forgiveness, which was not introduced to me in isolation but in the context of our allowances and acceptances, in other words our unwillingness to acknowledge our ‘full membership in humanity’ – I experienced my first release. A sense of lightness of being, like a weight that was released although I never knew I carried it. It was as if I had dealt with a math problem for all those years but never quite had the foundation to actually solve the equation. With self-forgiveness in Self-honesty, the principle what is best for all, and the understanding that oneness is the absence of any delineation between myself and the other – that is in emotion, feeling, thought and speech – the equation was making sense. My confusion waned instantly.

The beginning of writing self-forgiveness was not easy. My sense of moving forward was to take a machete to hand to cut through the jungle that is my mind. The more I cut the more I cleared away and became clear. The first lessons of the Desteni-I-process where extremely instrumental for me to do so. I recall that one of the first structured self-forgiveness lessons I completed had the thought – to be forgiven:

“If only I was a butterfly – then I could just fly around all day”

I recall pondering: hmm, so what’s wrong with that? It was only later in the process that I realised that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with this statement but to wish to be someone or somewhere else was an escape mechanism from my responsibility of my ‘full membership in humanity’, and acceptance of polarisation.

Writing these words I find it enjoyable to backtrack to the first moments of my self-forgiveness practice – and yes, it is my practice, I have made it my own. I have applied myself when the resistances and excuses lurked: “oh, it’s too late today”, “I have so much other stuff to do”, “I don’t have anything to forgive” – yet, every time I pushed through I was grateful afterwards for having given my Self a bit more vision. Real vision – not what I see with my eyes – the picture reality we believe to be real – but what I see in what I have become and how I have programmed my Self to exist.

This joy extends to seeing with real vision how I have changed through the practise of self-forgiveness and the releases I have experienced. I recall being on the forum and posting that I was forgiving my Self to be in conflict with my name. Similar to the deeper issues pertaining to the statement on the butterfly above, I attributed my name to not having had any choices in how I exist on this planet. I was born in a place, into a family, into circumstances, into an age, and so forth – without my volition or my say, and the label for all that was my name. I was angry, ashamed and in denial about it. When I practised self-forgiveness on this particular thought construct, I experienced a deep release, I felt it all over my body.

It was moments like these that kept me going. There seemed to be a repertoire of “ancient” emotions that I did not share with others, nor did I want to look at them myself. They remained buried inside of me and I did what I had to, to keep the lid on. These were suddenly allowed to come to the surface because I wanted them there. I was eager to test and test, this and that – that belief and that emotion that I had carried around with me for so long. In the beginning I even felt that it took courage to go inside of me and pull up these programmed items. I enjoyed the moment where I “jumped” and then they were there, in front of me, black on white – or white on black (as with the Desteni forum).

Understanding the practice of self-forgiveness took more than just me reading how to do it, it taught me to understand oneness in physical reality. When I first started to practise forgiving my Self I had many questions on how to go about it, or I felt confident that I grasped a particular aspect when I actually did not. The oneness that I am talking about is the support and the assistance I receive from others. For each baby step I took there was an assisting, typing hand. I was building my practice step by step with support. This lived understanding, that I was not able to do it on my own, opened my Self up to equality. When I saw others starting to apply self-forgiveness and gaining more clarity over time – I was enjoying myself.

This was not a teacher-student scenario because those who were assisting me where also assisted by others – we were in this together and from that perspective I received assistance. It was not about knowledge, it was rendering our egos visible to each other and that is in fact an ongoing process. The only difference between now and then is that I can now drive this process on my own, I can sit down and write and open up a point. Yet there are always times and moments when I deal with a particular point where a Destonian perspective is needed where those around me can see what I cannot see. Likewise, when a Destonian exposes a point to me or the group, I can learn to see something about my acceptances that I was not aware of before. This is not a matter of ability it is a characteristic of walking as equals in oneness.

The resulting Self that is me today has left behind emotions and feelings that I believed to be me. The more I see myself change, the more I see my responsibility and the more I lose interest in myself only – the more I can share. Most of all the more I practise, the more I see how I could not be without the group – a group unlike any other – a group that changes everything for me and for all, equally.

Note: by “practise” I mean ‘practically applied’ through writing and speaking.

For more information on Self-forgiveness check out http://www.eqafe.com

For the Desteniiprocess. http://www.desteniiprocess.com

The main site and entry to the forums http://www.desteni.org

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2012 – Time to get off the drug!

The love and light community insists and persists in this year’s ascension. Well, for now. This is in spite of many overtly incongruent issues around this idea which point to a self-created belief system that is not based in reality but is entirely make-belief. A kind of drug of the mind induced through imagination, or also called visualisation, by those who are enamored with the idea of escape into ‘positive thinking’ to find relief from reality – similar to pharmaceutical drugs which give us relief from the symptoms of physical illness.

A powerful indicator that the mind will use make-belief in many circumstance of un-ease is the application of placebo therapy which has proven to treat a number of peripheral disease processes by making the patient feel better. What placebo therapy cannot do is treat actual physical illnesses such as venous leg ulcers, Crohn’s disease, urinary tract infection, or chronic heart failure. In other words, placebo only works when the mind is implicated but cannot produce any results when the physical reality of the body is at stake. The physical reality of the body is also the reality that we breath, move, and communicate in every day of our lives. Hence this is why starving people are not ‘cured’ by the ascension.

Consequently, what is real about this ascension graze is that it is a reaction to a dis-eased reality, one that desperately needs treatment from all of us to get any measurable results for betterment. To create viable self-change and therefore societal change, ascension is a haphazard to everyone’s health because like all drugs it promotes the continuation of our dis-eased reality. Ascension, or the relief-from-reality-drug is the placebo for perceived change which works by continuously strengthening the belief that one has indeed changed oneself, even though those who take this drug exhibit even more inertia and acceptance of all things abusive in our society – and all this while chanting the slogan: “we are all one”.

As time passes, one is increasingly exposed to others who disseminate the drug, and who will exert their power of persuasion over those who are just in the beginning stages.  Beginners might still be unsure because there are no physical signs of it working, except for the dedicated fashion style and paraphernalia, such as crystals, dream catchers, special beads, metals, oils and so forth – but will eventually let their skill of critical reflection wane into no-man’s land.

Critical reflection would indicate that one is skeptical about some of the ascension attributes, and ask a number of questions to outline for oneself a more accurate picture of what is going on here, instead of jumping on the band wagon just because other people have done the same. Not to mention that there are many historical examples where this kind of collective jumping was a fatal choice to make.

Indeed, this should be one’s first question:

Am I getting into ascension because all these other (nice) people are into it, and they must know what they are doing, even if I don’t know?

More questions that might put a person on their way to recovery and reinstate critical reflection are:

No other so-called spiritual departure has come to fruition why should this one be any different? One may recall 2011 judgement day where many were convinced that they would be leaving the world as we know it. No one left of course and judgement day was postponed – without any doubt the same thing will be happening on December 21, 2012.

How come Tibetan monks are not preparing us for ascension? Tibetan monks have been working in the spiritual realm for centuries and have sufficient spiritual mileage on the ascension meter. Recall that they are able to pick out the next Dalai Lama from hundreds of children, hence these monks would be able to pin-point all details involved in ascension. Instead, the love and light community has to rely on vague ancient Mayan scriptures for the interpretation of ascension details, such as the date.

Why is the vocabulary on ascension not consistent depending on who is talking about ascension? If I say table to anyone in the room here, or anywhere else in the world (in their respective language of course), everyone would immediately have the same reference. This is not so with the ascension community. Words like ego, soul, higher self and so forth are moving targets when it comes to a definition.

Get off the drug and roll up your physical sleeves – change yourself and change the world – because all are indeed one, which means all are free or none are free. Oneness and equality is the way forward. Question your perceived reality, and come and question us @ http://www.desteni.org –  join the forum.

Otherwise, find reading and listening pleasure on the topic of oneness and equality @ http://www.eqafe.com

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Creating my life through the DesteniIProcess

I have been asking myself if the agreement with Gabriel might have been a pre-programmed situation. The reason for asking myself this question has been twofold. First, we seem to be quite compatible in a basic way of being. Don’t get me wrong I can see that this agreement is taking me apart which is beyond what I was experiencing in my process when I was on my own. I can see that the perceived peaceful inner state I was experiencing then is now in chaos most of the time which means that it was not real, and this is requiring me to look at my issues in much more depth than before.

Second, the timing could not have been better to start an agreement. I had finished my studies and both Gabriel and I had to move from our old flats. In my case I had to move countries because of the enormous cost of living in the UK. It all fit just a tad too well for me not to be skeptical about it. Yet, in the beginning when he and I first met and an agreement was on the table, I dealt with much anxiety of fear of loss of my independence. I had not reckoned with an agreement any time soon and was quite satisfied with my ‘single’ status.

The other day, I mentioned the pre-programmed aspect to Gabriel, who said to me that it is a matter of ceasing one’s opportunity as these open up. After reflecting on this for some time now, I see what he means and found that “ceasing one’s opportunity” comes into play as part of the DesteniIprocess where we learn to make decisions on the basis of a non-energetic state.

I will explain this on a pertinent real-life example. In May of this year, when I was going through the last stages of examination regarding my studies, I was presented with a highly probable opportunity for a job, which entailed becoming part of a research team in a small town in France. At the time, when this opportunity presented itself I was having to cope with things on multiple fronts. I did not want to make a decision out of a situation where I had no clarity in terms of what I wanted to do after my studies once these had been entirely completed, meaning all the last examinations had been done and dusted, and I was free to review my situation. However, the deadline of applying for this job meant I had to furnish the research team with an immediate response. Granted that there were other issues with this job but this was the biggest one. Thus my answer to this opportunity was “no, thank you”.

Some of my colleagues did not understand how I could have let such an opportunity slip through my fingers. Given the economic situation and the overall factor of how interesting this post would have been, from the outside it certainly looked like I was being foolish to let it go. Had this been years ago, before I started the DesteniIprocess, I would have been probably too fearful to say ‘No’ even if I really wanted to. I would have been afraid of how difficult it would be to find a suitable job and would have convinced myself to take it because of my inferior position towards the point of being without work.

This is not to say that I am fearless when it comes to not having a job and making money, or that I do not long for security. What it says is that my starting point for making a decision has changed and that, in this instance, I did not operate from my typical pre-programmed way of acting in the world that I know has influenced my previous decisions on jobs and matters of having to do with being secure in the system.

If we look at the trajectory that follows, having not ceased this job opportunity, I was able to cease the agreement opportunity because I was still in the UK at the time when Gabriel came to participate in a business meeting. This enabled us to meet up and connect in physical space, which later prompted the agreement. Ceasing an opportunity from the starting point of self rather than from the starting point of pre-programmed reaction, then let me create my life where I was able to choose an agreement with another, and begin to investigate myself in relation to intimacy and shared living with other Destonians. Hence it was through the DesteniIprocess that I was able to change my life situation.

Since I started the DesteniIprocess I have understood that every breath is accumulative in the process of creating my life and that these decisions are really composed of minute moment-to-moment maneuvers in the world. Only if I understand who I am here in every moment can I become self-directive and stand as a self, as one and equal to all that is here.

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