When I learned about self-forgiveness a curious thing happened. I moved myself from confusion to clarity. Up until the moment I was involved in conventional spiritual pursuits, Eastern and Western, I had accepted a state of perturbation as part of the spiritual path. Several concepts in classical approaches to Eastern religion escaped my understanding and were merely items of study. I recall pondering “oneness”, what does that really mean to exist in oneness – I mean what if someone is a mass murderer should I still find a way to identify with him or her?
These unanswered questions left me feeling uneasy. The way I tried to resolve this situation was to believe that my capability for comprehension was just not up to scratch yet, and perhaps I just had to try harder and one day I would get there, after all it was known that any spiritual practice takes years to get somewhere – wherever that is.
When I started to practise self-forgiveness, which was not introduced to me in isolation but in the context of our allowances and acceptances, in other words our unwillingness to acknowledge our ‘full membership in humanity’ – I experienced my first release. A sense of lightness of being, like a weight that was released although I never knew I carried it. It was as if I had dealt with a math problem for all those years but never quite had the foundation to actually solve the equation. With self-forgiveness in Self-honesty, the principle what is best for all, and the understanding that oneness is the absence of any delineation between myself and the other – that is in emotion, feeling, thought and speech – the equation was making sense. My confusion waned instantly.
The beginning of writing self-forgiveness was not easy. My sense of moving forward was to take a machete to hand to cut through the jungle that is my mind. The more I cut the more I cleared away and became clear. The first lessons of the Desteni-I-process where extremely instrumental for me to do so. I recall that one of the first structured self-forgiveness lessons I completed had the thought – to be forgiven:
“If only I was a butterfly – then I could just fly around all day”
I recall pondering: hmm, so what’s wrong with that? It was only later in the process that I realised that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with this statement but to wish to be someone or somewhere else was an escape mechanism from my responsibility of my ‘full membership in humanity’, and acceptance of polarisation.
Writing these words I find it enjoyable to backtrack to the first moments of my self-forgiveness practice – and yes, it is my practice, I have made it my own. I have applied myself when the resistances and excuses lurked: “oh, it’s too late today”, “I have so much other stuff to do”, “I don’t have anything to forgive” – yet, every time I pushed through I was grateful afterwards for having given my Self a bit more vision. Real vision – not what I see with my eyes – the picture reality we believe to be real – but what I see in what I have become and how I have programmed my Self to exist.
This joy extends to seeing with real vision how I have changed through the practise of self-forgiveness and the releases I have experienced. I recall being on the forum and posting that I was forgiving my Self to be in conflict with my name. Similar to the deeper issues pertaining to the statement on the butterfly above, I attributed my name to not having had any choices in how I exist on this planet. I was born in a place, into a family, into circumstances, into an age, and so forth – without my volition or my say, and the label for all that was my name. I was angry, ashamed and in denial about it. When I practised self-forgiveness on this particular thought construct, I experienced a deep release, I felt it all over my body.
It was moments like these that kept me going. There seemed to be a repertoire of “ancient” emotions that I did not share with others, nor did I want to look at them myself. They remained buried inside of me and I did what I had to, to keep the lid on. These were suddenly allowed to come to the surface because I wanted them there. I was eager to test and test, this and that – that belief and that emotion that I had carried around with me for so long. In the beginning I even felt that it took courage to go inside of me and pull up these programmed items. I enjoyed the moment where I “jumped” and then they were there, in front of me, black on white – or white on black (as with the Desteni forum).
Understanding the practice of self-forgiveness took more than just me reading how to do it, it taught me to understand oneness in physical reality. When I first started to practise forgiving my Self I had many questions on how to go about it, or I felt confident that I grasped a particular aspect when I actually did not. The oneness that I am talking about is the support and the assistance I receive from others. For each baby step I took there was an assisting, typing hand. I was building my practice step by step with support. This lived understanding, that I was not able to do it on my own, opened my Self up to equality. When I saw others starting to apply self-forgiveness and gaining more clarity over time – I was enjoying myself.
This was not a teacher-student scenario because those who were assisting me where also assisted by others – we were in this together and from that perspective I received assistance. It was not about knowledge, it was rendering our egos visible to each other and that is in fact an ongoing process. The only difference between now and then is that I can now drive this process on my own, I can sit down and write and open up a point. Yet there are always times and moments when I deal with a particular point where a Destonian perspective is needed where those around me can see what I cannot see. Likewise, when a Destonian exposes a point to me or the group, I can learn to see something about my acceptances that I was not aware of before. This is not a matter of ability it is a characteristic of walking as equals in oneness.
The resulting Self that is me today has left behind emotions and feelings that I believed to be me. The more I see myself change, the more I see my responsibility and the more I lose interest in myself only – the more I can share. Most of all the more I practise, the more I see how I could not be without the group – a group unlike any other – a group that changes everything for me and for all, equally.
Note: by “practise” I mean ‘practically applied’ through writing and speaking.
For more information on Self-forgiveness check out http://www.eqafe.com
For the Desteniiprocess. http://www.desteniiprocess.com
The main site and entry to the forums http://www.desteni.org